October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

You may be wondering why I would start writing about my current pregnancy with such a reminder, but this is where our story begins.  For those of you who don't already know, we lost our first baby last September to an early miscarriage.  What we found out then was that although this phenomenon touches the lives of countless people (an estimated 15-20% of known pregnancies end in miscarriage) including many we know personally, nobody really talks about it.  We could barely talk about it.  But, it would have been easier on us if there wasn't such a stigma, so today I'm talking about it.  Specifically, this post is about what it means for us this time around. 

This pregnancy is radically different because of what happened before.  Our initial excitement was countered from the start with nervous apprehension.  For better or worse, we could no longer naively assume that everything would go well or that we'd even have a baby to bring home.  I held my breath until we heard a heartbeat, until our first full midwife exam, until we reached the first major milestone of 12 weeks when the risk of miscarriage drops significantly.  Even now at 16 weeks, I still get a bit worried between appointments.

Yet, within all of this nervous waiting, I have found something very unexpected- trust.  I have learned to trust my body.  It is truly awesome that our bodies know how to create new beings.   All I need to do is eat, sleep, and maybe shower once in awhile, and my body does all of the hard work on it's own. 

Most importantly, I have also learned to trust God.  It's not about trusting that nothing will go wrong- but trusting that no matter what happens, we will get through it. We will, because we did. 

Through the process, I have found ways to manage my nerves.  We found a great midwifery team that we trust (there's that word again) and a way of going about this that works for us.  Frequently, I just have to pause for a moment and remember to breathe and be present in the moment.  Then, I cherish how far we have come instead of thinking about all of the unknowns and what-ifs.

As the weeks have gone by, it has only gotten better.

We'll always be touched by what we've been through, but it no longer hovers over us like it did early on.  On pregnancy forums, women use a seemingly silly term for pregnancies and babies that come after a loss- they call them rainbow babies.  From my vantage point- it isn't silly at all. 

Thank you to everyone who supported us through our loss and carried us through.  It was a lonely and isolating experience but it meant a lot to know so many people were thinking of us.  Thank you, also, for the patience and grace that was shown to us when we weren't particularly pleasant to be around. 

There is obviously a lot more I could say about this painful experience and the dark days, weeks, and months that we went through, but I think I'll leave it here for now.  If anyone ever wants to talk about it or has questions, including how to support someone going through a similar experience, just let me know.

Here is one woman's brief post that I really related to last year:
http://www.babble.com/pregnancy/my-pregnancy/coping-with-miscarriage-pregnancy-secret/

That's all for today.  In the coming weeks, there will be plenty of pictures and updates here for family and friends.  We've been asked by many to provide updates since we are so far away.
We are limiting Facebook posts on the subject out of respect for those who are currently struggling with fertility issues and loss, and because not everyone cares :-) 

Blessings,

Callie